The Predicament - Part 5

Please excuse the long absence from the blog. I’ve been away from my computer for the better part of three weeks, actually, going on four.

I remember a beautiful series of Seinfeld episodes when George Constanza decides that instead of editing what comes out of his mouth or editing his actions, he going to do everything 180 degrees from his usual habit. So he starts telling the truth or at least what he is experiencing in the moment and his whole life turns around for the better.

That’s what we have to do. Our contracts that filter our day-to-day existence trying to keep us safe, are 180 degrees from the direction we actually want to take. It’s actually that simple. As soon as we edit, we deny our potential. By following what we would actually like to do we bring ourselves to the edge: are we willing to jump and find out what happens. When you do this a couple of times, you realize the edge is an artificial structure geared toward bringing up our fears so that we’ll back away from it to keep yourself safe. But if you jump you destroy the edge and you end up landing in the bigger You. It’s always our choice. If we’re adults, we really can’t blame anyone else for the quality of our life anymore. We can either get over our fear or end our life full of regrets blaming everyone else for our failure to step up to the plate and take a swing. Sure we might strike out this time, but there’s always next time.

So though it’s as simple as that, it’s really quite difficult to do because of the fear. There are actually neurocircuits that are hooked to the safety mechanisms that affect our diaphragm’s muscular contraction. So when the safety mechanism kicks in our breathing becomes rapid and shallow. If we slow down the breathing (you know, count to ten) the circuit weakens. If we face the fear the circuit can be broken – permanently. It’s a hard road, but it’s done one fear at a time until our body reintegrates and works holistically again. This is usually associated with a “landing” into our body which is really the movement from focus our attention of our thoughts as ourself to focusing our attention on our whole being. The current consciousness evolution is embodied awakening. This happens in stages or can happen quite suddenly. No matter what, when it happens your life changes dramatically.

I have no idea if this relates to anything I’ve said previously, but hey, what the heck, I’m just rambling.

Today’s secret – a nasty one.

I remember a dream I’ve had for most of my life. I’m in a shower and my penis is huge and I start sucking it. The dream haunted me for a long time and I thought that maybe it was a sign that I was homosexual but suppressing it. However, the hugeness of the penis never made sense.

One day when I was doing some intense inner work while laying back in my recliner, to try to get some motion to the psychological processes I started moving my head from side to side while saying the word “no”. After a few minutes a whole series of images flashed through my mind regarding the above dream. It wasn’t my penis, but my father’s. The trauma was so great from this that I realized I had deleted my father from the dream (actually all of my dreams). The huge penis was his, but since I had deleted the rest of my father, my mind couldn’t cope with a penis just floating in space in the dream, so it attached the penis to my body. This horrific event was the way my father taught me that homosexuality was a perverted and nasty, disgusting mutuation of human relationship. While having to give him fellatio (to the end) he scolded me on how anyone who did this was going to hell, was an animal, disgusting, perverted, etc.

Remember, in those days, people thought you could do anything you wanted to anyone under 5 and they wouldn’t remember it happened. Right, but the subconscious mind and the body remembers, thus the dreams. No wonder I had a terrible relationship with that man. This is the one time in my life where the trauma was so great, I don’t remember coming back into my body afterwards. The held energies from this event have affected the quality of my teeth, jaw and mouth my whole life. I didn’t even want to brush my teeth when I was younger – part of the safety mechanism of keeping anything away from my mouth. After I had this realization, the dreams mostly stopped. I’ve occasionally had one now and then since that time. Rough, hug?!!!?