Truth Should Be Simple - Part 2

“What happens when people open their hearts? They get better.” Haruki Murakami

I’m going to digress for a few paragraphs (actually today’s whole blog) to tell you what happened last evening after I posted yesterday’s blog. I got depressed by a hypercritical barrage of disparaging thoughts that inundated and commandeered my thinking process for hours:

“You’re a fucking moron. You’re pathetic. You started off your blog as just another diatribe of New Age tripe that probably won’t impact the lives of others. People will think you’re an idiot.”

I think you get the idea. So I rushed to the computer around midnight and started typing frenetically to reassess my approach and make things right again, to say the things I thought you really needed to hear. A half hour later I had a whole page of scathing commentary to show my readers that I just wasn’t another New Age-spouting sycophant. Of course, those words don’t appear on this page. Learning to give myself time for my emotional wave to wash through me before responding has definitely been a life-saver. I went ot bed without posting.

So what happened yesterday?

I told you what I was actually thinking. I rarely do that. I’m pretty empathic and I found out early on that people felt most comfortable around me when I repeated back to them what they were thinking and what to hear. That made them think that I was on the same “wavelength” as they and it had the added benefit of making them less threatening to me. Namely, keeping my thoughts to myself kept me safe; and trust me, I’ve had my thoughts turned back on me enough times in my life because of misunderstanding or misinterpreting what I originally said.

So I told you what I actually thought yesterday and it activated a part of me that was trying to stay hidden from view. Huge amounts of agitation and belittlement, activating magnificent defense mechanisms that keep me from speaking my mind. Those demoralizing thoughts listed above weren’t designed to belittle me, they were designed to keep my mouth shut and thus keep me safe.

Anyway, I awoke with a lot of clarity around what happened and the direction this blog is going to take which is: To be a truly authentic human there must be complete transparency of being. All of my defense mechanisms prevent my Light from shining fully in the world, and believe me, its brilliance is magnificent. This is not an egocentric remark, because as I go about making myself transparent to the whole world, you’ll see a model / approach of how to become the transparent as well and recognize the magnificent brilliance that you are, too. You really are.

At the center of my Being, I am this little boy holding his golden heart out for the world to see so that they may benefit from his Light and Love. That’s it. All of my defense mechanisms are geared toward protecting this little boy from harm. But at the same time they protect him, they limit him from being fully seen and experienced in the world. So this blog will not only tell you about how I view the world and the lessons I've learn along my spiritual path, but it will be a real-time deconstructing of my numerous remaining defense mechanisms and the part of me that talks about the little boy in the third person, is part of those defense mechanisms.

This will be brutal in many ways. First off, I will be continually opening the doors to my heart. Unheard of as far as I’m concerned!!! That means lots of vulnerability on my part and lots of emotions arising because people will get to see me for who I really am and not the façade I’ve always projected. I’ll do this by putting something out there and then seeing how I react to it which I will also put out there. Holy Shit!!! The defense mechanisms are already getting jittery.

And two, people are going to have to deal with their own discomfort of what I am saying and the judgments that will arise within and about themselves and about me. Some people may not want to associate with me down the road. Hopefully my loved ones will be accepting of me as I go through this process. These are my behavioral patterns and perceived memories that I will be dealing with and have little to do with who they are. Though it will definitely affect them the most, it is not intended to harm them in any way.

I could spend years writing this stuff pertaining to my vulnerability in journals, but if no one actually sees it, then the defense mechanisms remain intact and invisible. By putting myself in the public forum, specific defense mechanisms will be activated that I can then explore and dismantle in a gentle and loving way. It’s what happened yesterday. It’s a process of allowing those things that I perceive as humiliating events to wash out of my system. They require too much energy to keep hidden and in the long run they’re just thought forms. So think of this as a work of fiction and don’t take it personally. I will take it personally until I don’t, but there is no need for you to at the outset.

Secrets are the concepts we defend the most, and as long as I have secrets, and I have plenty, those secrets will dictate the quality of my life. And the biggest secrets in my life, and therefore some of my strongest defense structures, are associated with my sexuality and the abuse thereof. I’m actually scared out of my wits typing this and almost crying!! So this blog isn’t about what you need to hear, it’s about what I need to say.

Let me finish today’s blog with this. As I said in my first blog, humanity is dysfunctional and always has been. This time in our existence we are being given a chance to move beyond that dysfunction into functionality. I told a friend in 1993 that the next evolution of humans wasn’t a physical one, but one of consciousness. It’s happening anyway and it’s going to continue to happen as we allow the capacity of our hearts to express Love to increase moment by moment. The more we Love, the more our Light shines. Vulnerability becomes our strength, not our weakness.

To be continued…