The Predicament - Part 3

I’ve been travelling the last couple of weeks without a computer so there has been no blogs. I’m doing okay at this time. Still a sense of urgency to get writing done and yet at the same time there is a hesitancy about actually writing. A nice paradox.

So let’s continue.

So our life is a process of emotional suppression which forces our bodies to store tensions and, contractions wherever it can, to numb ourselves to pain which we think will overwhelm and annihilate us, to fill our days with distracting exercises – reading, watching TV, listening to music, sex, eating namely all our addictive behaviors. All geared to prevent us from accessing our vulnerable child nature which could potentially lead to further trauma – at least this is our irrational fear.

Our defense mechanisms are typically geared for outward expression, but what if instead we went internal? What if we asked our protective mechanisms to set themselves aside for a moment so that we can get a clearer look at this little one hiding away? What if we just stopped judging all the stories we have going and let the internal tapes run while we simply observed them? Are we willing to give up the “stories” that define who we think we are?

“I’m not enough. I have no discipline. That’s too hard to do. I was never able to learn that in school. My body’s always been dysfunctional, weak, fat, skinny, whatever.”

Why are these stories so much better than the following?

“I am lovable. I love change and thrive on novelty and curiousity. I always wanted to learn that and now I have the chance. I accept my body just as it is. I don’t need society to define what I look like.”

The first stories seem better because they help us remain within the “tribe” culture of Western society. They keep us safe. But the planet is changing and we have to start letting go of the older stories in favor of more empowering stories or no stories at all. Can we allow each day, each experience to define us for just that moment, gain the wisdom, and then just let it all go? Can our culture live that way? So we need to listen to ourselves talking and stop giving energy to those patterns of thought and speech that disempower us.

Our culture is one of victimization. “He did this to me. She hurt me. He looked at me weird.” We live in a triangle of disempowerment. Someone bullies us and we feel victimized. We then complain to someone else and they sympathize and agree with us that we were indeed victimized. And belief it or not, we can be all three to ourselves. Our inner critic seems to bully us, another part feels victimized and a third part goes to the freezer for some ice cream to soothe our pain.

                                                     Bully, Tyrant

                                                  /                      \

                                               /                            \

                                         Victim ------------ Savior, Rescuer

Each person needs to evaluate how this triangle is running in their lives. “How is my boss treating me today? My friend gossiped about me. That man lied to me.” Once we begin to see this pattern running we realize that we don’t want to be a victim anymore (at least some people don’t want to be) and we begin to search for ways to get off this triangle. The easiest way is to simply love and listen to the part that is feeling victimized.

Don’t blame, but be with the true feelings and emotions that wish to arise. Giving space for our true feelings and emotions to arise frees up the young parts that we think need to remain hidden. All those parts really want is to express the feelings and emotions they either were not able to when they were younger or weren’t allowed to.

As a note: I distinguish between feelings and emotions. For me, feelings are the actual sensations that are arising in my body – constrictions and tensions, pain, hot/cold; while emotions are things like – joy, hate, happiness, sadness, grief, bliss, etc.

For myself, I have found I go through three phases. There’s the “It” or “Part of me” phase that isolates an aspect of my being for observation. The “It” that was stuck in the past. I then move to the “You” phase and have a dialogue or some form of interaction with an inner boy or girl. I am now relating with myself. The third phase is when I realize that I’m the one who is scared, sad, mad, grieving, happy, etc. In this last phase I own that these are my feelings and emotions and not some abstract notion about a part of myself. I realize “I” am stuck in a belief about time and space and victimhood. Allowing all this to arise releases the underlying pressure of my suppressive mechanism and frees the feelings and emotions to move again in a more natural manner. This is the way in which I learn to love myself one piece at a time.

Enough rambling for today. To be continued…

Secret of the Day

When I was in fifth grade a bunch of my friends and I experimented with smoking. My father smoked three packs a day so he never really missed a pack missing from his carton. One day after school, we decided to hit the convenience store across the street en masse. Create enough confusion for the small shop owner that he wouldn’t notice someone stealing a small cigar. I was the one chosen to steal the cigar which I did.

 Now it may not seem like a big secret to you, but this memory still sits quite prominently in my awareness, so it definitely had a huge impact on my life. I stole. The act of taking something that did not belong to me. To a ten year old it was a far cry from my usual way of being in the world. I feel dirty just typing this out like I’m a hardened criminal who should be locked away. The typical irrational thoughts of a child.